You know, there is a reason my posting here is so irregular. And that reason is called mental illness.
The reason I'm going to write this is because I just feel the need to explain myself, not necessarily to others, but mostly to myself. I have several mental illnesses, them being depression, anxiety, autism, and ADHD. And those four are all linked, and they bring along their little siblings called OCD, tics, and sometimes paranoia.
So let me explain what these little buggers do to me.
The main problem is that all these things are high-functioning illnesses, which means I can hide them very well. This makes people think I have it al together, when in reality I could be having an anxiety attack while talking to you. Speaking of anxiety, this little devil is very good at keeping me away from social events. And not just parties, friend meetings, and events, but also things like karate training, appointments, and even just from leaving the house. It's not like I don't wanna go out, it's just that I can't bring myself to go. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it either. And what's not helping is that when I do go out, autism is being an ass. Because autism makes me very tired when I'm being social for a long period of time.
Another thing autism does is making me feel dumb. Because I often don't understand or misunderstand things. And then things go wrong and people get angry. Autism also does a lot of other things, but those I have accepted, including the tics and OCD it brings along. Another one of these lil fellas makes me feel dumb, and that is ADHD. Because ADHD gives me the attention span of a peanut, which is none. Because of that I can't pay attention for an extended period of time, and that means I get behind on things. That also makes me a slow learner. And it frustrates the hell out of me when I can't do something because I can't concentrate. And around that point anxiety thinks it's a good idea to join in and makes me feel even more like a failure.
I'm also egocentric, which, by the way, is not the same as egoistic. It's linked to my autism as well. In my case being egocentric means that I think the world revolves around me. And not because I think I'm so great, but because I think people pay attention to me all the time. Everywhere. Every second I spend being amongst other people. And that's tiring as heck. And because of that I get anxious and a little paranoid. Because if I make one wrong move, I panic and think everyone saw it.
Paranoia also makes me believe my friends lie to me when they say they like me. And when I do believe them, it makes me think they're gonna leave me eventually. I love my friends a lot, and I know they love me too, but paranoia always manages to yell louder than that thought. It combines with my anxiety, and together they make me feel like I always say the wrong thing. I always think people dislike me or think I'm weird. And then it's not helping when my ADHD makes it hard for me to think before I act, which then results in me indeed saying weird things.
Now, we're just missing depression. And the reason I'm mentioning that one last is because depression is the one that makes all of the previous ones difficult to overcome. Especially depression and anxiety clash a lot. The main thing depression does is draining all my motivation to do things, which makes it often hard to move forward. I just want to stay inside all day so I don't have to deal with anything. Because people are my problem. I feel anxious because of people. I feel dumb compared to other people. I feel paranoid because of people. The only one that is not people related is depression. And depression is the little devil whispering to the others "If you don't get out of bed, you don;t have to deal with people. Problem solved."
About five years ago, this little devil and its followers won. I let them win. But I got help, I got meds, and I got better. And now people think I'm cured. But that's far from true. The thing is, the devil hasn't gone away. But it has gained competition. Instead of it being the only one yelling, there is now another voice telling it to shut up. And that voice was partly created by using meds, but also partly because I started to fight back. And I'm proud of that progress.
So to wrap it up, I just want to say that I am doing better, but I am not better. I'm slowly moving forward and I'm trying to get my life together piece by piece. But I do have setbacks, and I often doubt my entire existence. But that's okay. It's okay if I'm not okay. Because, and I'm gonna quote my favourite band Twenty One Pilots here, "the sun will rise and we will try again."