Just like the past two years I’ve written a kind of review of the year. 2017 was an interesting year for me. I saw a lot, did a lot, but also struggled with quite some things.
Let’s start at the beginning. In January I started my webshop Yellow Days, which I am still quite proud of, despite it being small. I have fun running it, and I have big plans for the future. I went to a cosplay convention in February, which was very fun. I got married for one day to the other half of the duo cosplay I was doing, so that was rather funny.
Then in April I went to visit my boyfriend, and it was really nice seeing him again. Also in April I went to Prague, which was amazing. I had such a good time with my family, and Prague is an amazing city. Immediately after that I went to China for two weeks, which was the farthest I had ever travelled in my life. China was such an amazing experience and I really wanna go back there. Also learning (basic) Chinese for the short program I was doing was just great.
I think it was in June when I went to my first German cosplay convention with my good friend Chantal. I really had a great time there!
In the summer I met up with some friends and I went to Amsterdam Pride! At the end of the summer I went the entire weekend to Abunai, another cosplay convention. I also had a really great time there.
In September I started my graduation year, which is still a weird thing for me to realise. I also got my HSK1 Chinese certificate with a perfect score of 100%. In October I got a nice part-time job as social media manager at a finance company, and in November I turned 21, which I still refuse to accept. In December I went to Oh Wonder with my friends Joëlle and Lisa., and we had such a good time there.
And now I’m writing this while in Austria, where we’ve just seen the most amazing view of the snowy mountains with a bonus of a setting sun. I guess 2017 was a great year in terms of travel and events.
In 2017 I decided that I wanna write a book in 2018. I also wanna give acting another shot, and was recently a featured extra in a short commercial. It was the year where I decided to do more of the things I wanna do. I also got better at some aspects of witchcraft.
Now to the darker side of the 2017 coin. In this year my social anxiety got worse, and I had a few mental setbacks, as my depression came back worse than it was last year. I have reached out to a psychologist and am now on the waiting list for an intake, so that’s gonna be fine. But sadly my depression is chronic so that’s always gonna be an issue.
Despite that, 2017 was a good year for me, and it gave me more confidence that I can reach my goals. I’m excited to see what 2018 will bring me, and I hope that next year around this time I will be able to look back just as positively, if not even more so, at the year as I do now. Have a good 2018, y’all.
Today I want to talk to you guys about fan culture. Now when some people think of fan culture they think of Tumblr fandoms where there's a lot of weird shit and drama floating around. Although I used to be part of such fandoms (except I never involved myself with drama), it's not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the impact something like franchise or a band can have on your life. For the better, in my case.
Okay, first let's jump back in the past. I'm 13, I'm at the start of puberty, and I'm just trying to fit in. I want to be one of the cool kids, I want to be popular. I want to go to parties. But I don't fit in. I'm not popular. And people only invite me to parties to be nice. I start to think about all of this, and realise that I am unhappy. Mostly because I don't fit in, but also because fitting in means pretending to be someone I'm not. So what do you do then?
Move forward to age 14. I'm starting to understand that I like certain things that girls my age don't like. From age 10 or so I've liked superheroes, but when I was around 12 I put that aside because it didn't fit in with the whole "popular girl" thing I wanted. But now that I put the popular thing aside, I get back into superheroes. And fantasy. And sci-fi. And I start watching this show called Being Human, which is a sci-fi show. Still my favourite. I'm on twitter, and I find a group of people, mostly adults, who love the show too. I start talking to them, and I befriend them. For the first time in my life I felt accepted without having to change myself. And the fact that these adults are just as silly as I am gives me the idea that maybe you don't have to become a boring adult.
Age 15, I'm getting the hang of this. I'm deep into Marvel, and I've discovered Tumblr. Here I find people my age with the same interests. At the same time, I've started Twitter RP, and made lots of friends on Twitter from all over the world with the same interests. My entire social life is online. I have a few friends at school, but they mostly have different interests, so I can't really talk about my interests with them. My parents are getting concerned because I spend so much time online. I get that concern now, though. But they have to understand, that online I felt accepted and understood. I made so many friends, whom i still talk to. Including the adults from Being Human. it gave me so much joy. But at the same time, I feel things change. I start to get depressed.
Age 16. I graduate and as a present I get to go to London with my mom. I planned it so that I could go to London Comic Con. It was the first time I cosplayed, too. At the convention I felt so happy. So many people in cosplay, people who were just like me. God, thinking about it makes me smile. This overjoyed feeling of "these are my people". This feeling of finally fitting in without getting judged. It's the reason why I still go to cosplay conventions.
Age 17. I go to London Comic Con again, and this time I go by myself. Or well, to London. Because I'm staying with two of my British internet friends. It was the most amazing thing to meet them. Skip forward a little bit, I start to get into bands. And I attend my first concert. I also notice that I'm still pretty down, and I struggle with it a lot. I sometimes feel suicidal. But luckily my internet friends are always there to cheer me up and tell me they love me. It helps a lot. Also the happiness I found in tv shows such as Doctor Who and Sherlock, and pretty much all Marvel movies. Because god, I'm such a Marvel nerd.
Age 18. I get anti-depressants. They help a lot. What also helps is that I get more and more into the music of Twenty One Pilots. Lyrics like "our brains are sick but that's okay" makes me feel more at peace with my depression. Because it's nothing to be ashamed of. Or lyrics like "the sun will rise and we will try again", "stay alive, stay alive for me", and all the lyrics of their song "Migraine." There isn't a music artist I relate more to than Twenty One Pilots. Their lyrics show how I feel, and they give me power. Power in my mental illness. I attended two of their concerts, and during both concerts I truly felt understood. It's amazing what music can do. At the same time, I learn on Twitter about different genders and sexualities. I find out I'm asexual and agender, and honestly? I finally felt like things were starting to make sense. I realised there are people out there who feel the same as me, and I feel understood once again.
Age 19. by now I've moved out, and I've started to make friends. I met most of them at a cosplay meet-up, which I nearly didn't go to because of my social anxiety. But I'm so glad I did. Because there I met people who are just as passionate about things like superheroes, anime, tv shows, music, and more, just like I am. They listen to me when I ramble on and on about my interests, and I do the same for them. I also start to attend more cosplay conventions, and meet more people just like me. I notice that now that I'm being surrounded by like-minded people, I feel a lot happier.
And here we are now, age 20. I'm writing this and I take a moment to look around my room. I have a large Avengers poster, and a blueprint of Tony Stark's Iron Man suit on my wall. Because Iron Man is my favourite hero. I honestly can talk for hours about him. Or any other Marvel character, for that matter. On my other wall I have a bunch of anime posters, because yeah, I'm into that. I also have some figures, two from Marvel and one from an anime. I have a Harry Potter wand, a Sonic Screwdriver from Doctor Who, and around 25 plush animals. Some of them are Pokémon, which match the Pokémon cards I have on my door. And then I have some fan culture art, and some comic books and manga's lying around. Long story short, I have a lot of merch.
Fan culture helped me realise that I just need to be myself to be happy. It helped me find friends that care about me. Heck, I even met my boyfriend though Twitter RP, which is based on fan culture. I'm more comfortable with who I am and what I like than ever before, and it's all thanks to those fictional things out there I found my outlet in.
I have people tell me that I need to grow up. That I'm 20 and I can't cosplay forever, and can't hide in my fictional world forever. Well it's not hiding. It's a part of what makes me me. And when I hear those things, I look at the friends I made through Being Human. All of them adults with a job, some even a family. All of them nerds. Some of them even cosplay. So I guess it's fair to say that I owe part of my life to fan culture. Because without it, I'd be miserable. At the end of the day, it's important to do what you love. Because pretending to be someone you're not is never gonna make you feel happy.
Is there anything that helped you through life? Let me know!
You know, there is a reason my posting here is so irregular. And that reason is called mental illness.
The reason I'm going to write this is because I just feel the need to explain myself, not necessarily to others, but mostly to myself. I have several mental illnesses, them being depression, anxiety, autism, and ADHD. And those four are all linked, and they bring along their little siblings called OCD, tics, and sometimes paranoia.
So let me explain what these little buggers do to me.
The main problem is that all these things are high-functioning illnesses, which means I can hide them very well. This makes people think I have it al together, when in reality I could be having an anxiety attack while talking to you. Speaking of anxiety, this little devil is very good at keeping me away from social events. And not just parties, friend meetings, and events, but also things like karate training, appointments, and even just from leaving the house. It's not like I don't wanna go out, it's just that I can't bring myself to go. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it either. And what's not helping is that when I do go out, autism is being an ass. Because autism makes me very tired when I'm being social for a long period of time.
Another thing autism does is making me feel dumb. Because I often don't understand or misunderstand things. And then things go wrong and people get angry. Autism also does a lot of other things, but those I have accepted, including the tics and OCD it brings along. Another one of these lil fellas makes me feel dumb, and that is ADHD. Because ADHD gives me the attention span of a peanut, which is none. Because of that I can't pay attention for an extended period of time, and that means I get behind on things. That also makes me a slow learner. And it frustrates the hell out of me when I can't do something because I can't concentrate. And around that point anxiety thinks it's a good idea to join in and makes me feel even more like a failure.
I'm also egocentric, which, by the way, is not the same as egoistic. It's linked to my autism as well. In my case being egocentric means that I think the world revolves around me. And not because I think I'm so great, but because I think people pay attention to me all the time. Everywhere. Every second I spend being amongst other people. And that's tiring as heck. And because of that I get anxious and a little paranoid. Because if I make one wrong move, I panic and think everyone saw it.
Paranoia also makes me believe my friends lie to me when they say they like me. And when I do believe them, it makes me think they're gonna leave me eventually. I love my friends a lot, and I know they love me too, but paranoia always manages to yell louder than that thought. It combines with my anxiety, and together they make me feel like I always say the wrong thing. I always think people dislike me or think I'm weird. And then it's not helping when my ADHD makes it hard for me to think before I act, which then results in me indeed saying weird things.
Now, we're just missing depression. And the reason I'm mentioning that one last is because depression is the one that makes all of the previous ones difficult to overcome. Especially depression and anxiety clash a lot. The main thing depression does is draining all my motivation to do things, which makes it often hard to move forward. I just want to stay inside all day so I don't have to deal with anything. Because people are my problem. I feel anxious because of people. I feel dumb compared to other people. I feel paranoid because of people. The only one that is not people related is depression. And depression is the little devil whispering to the others "If you don't get out of bed, you don;t have to deal with people. Problem solved."
About five years ago, this little devil and its followers won. I let them win. But I got help, I got meds, and I got better. And now people think I'm cured. But that's far from true. The thing is, the devil hasn't gone away. But it has gained competition. Instead of it being the only one yelling, there is now another voice telling it to shut up. And that voice was partly created by using meds, but also partly because I started to fight back. And I'm proud of that progress.
So to wrap it up, I just want to say that I am doing better, but I am not better. I'm slowly moving forward and I'm trying to get my life together piece by piece. But I do have setbacks, and I often doubt my entire existence. But that's okay. It's okay if I'm not okay. Because, and I'm gonna quote my favourite band Twenty One Pilots here, "the sun will rise and we will try again."
In a few days 2016 is coming to an end. It was a bad year for the world in general, with deaths, wars, diseases, injustice, and more things that are just.. well.. not good. For me personally 2016 was a rather good year, so here are some highlights of it.
The first thing that 2016 brought me is lots of new friends. I've met so many cool and kind people who I can now call my friends. Suddenly I have a social life. I'd honestly never thought I'd say that.. But I'm truly grateful to be surrounded by so many lovely people.
I also started cosplaying more, which is also one of the reasons for me getting more friends. And I went to two conventions as a dealer (vendor)! It was one of my goals for 2016 and I'm glad I completed them.
In April I started with karate! I'm still loving it and I train once a week. I'm really glad that I decided to try it. Speaking of sport, the first few months of 2016 I swam a lot, which I then dropped, but am planning to pick up again! And I started eating healthier and lost some weight! Also my mental health improved a lot during this year! And I started practicing witchcraft, which is really fun so far! No worries, it's all safe and friendly!
In May it was my 1-year anniversary with my boyfriend, and in August I finally got to see him againa after 7 months. Sadly I won't see him again for a long time because of money issues and a busy schedule, so I really miss him. But I'm certain that that won't stop us from hitting that 2-year mark in 2017!
In July I went to Stockholm and met up with a twitter friend/penpal of mine! I had so much fun and I kinda miss him right now. Hopefully I get to see him again soon!
At the end of August I started my internship, which will end in a month. I also started focusing more on getting my own business and I'm currently working very hard on that!
In November I turned 20, which I'm still refusing to accept to be honest.
I also have lots of things to look forward in 2017! I'm really excited to start with my minor, because during that minor I get Chinese classes and I get to go on a study trip to China! Also in May it's my parents' 25th anniversary and we're going to Prague to celebrate that, which I'm really looking forward too. During the summer I hopefully get to see my boyfriend again, and I hope that by that time my business is going well.
Anyways, 2016 was a good year for me personally and I hope that 2017 will be even better. I also hope that 2017 will be a better year for the world, since it deserves a break. But I guess we'll have to wait and see..
I hope to see all of you happy and healthy in the new year!
Lots of love,
How was your 2016? Let me know in the comments!
Me when I was 14 vs now
In a few days (November the 30th) I will turn 20.. It's weird to think about it, honestly. It sounds old (I know it's not, but still), and it sounds mature. I don't feel like I'm an adult yet, and I don't want to be one either. I'm actually rather reluctant to turn 20, but time can't be stopped. So today I'm going to reflect on my teenage years and share the things I've learned.
My parents were right (but not always).
I think this is the main thing I've learned. Despite their advice not always being what I wanted to hear, it usually was right. Even now, I still look back at things they said recently which turned out to be true. Now that I know that I value my parents' advice more, and take it more seriously. Though of course there were also enough cases where they were wrong. But in those cases they would always admit that they were wrong. That way we both learned.
Being yourself is important.
At the beginning of my teenage years I wanted nothing more than to fit in. Be popular. Have loads of friends. But the popular kids didn't really like me. I tried to change and fit in many times, but it only made me feel unhappy. So at one point I stopped trying, and I just became myself. And once I started to make friends I realised that I didn't need popularity and loads of friends to be happy. Actually, I prefer to have only a few close friends. Being myself just makes me feel so much happier.
Think about things twice.
I was (and sometimes still am) rather impulsive when it came to buying things or doing things I really wanted. But often I didn't need those things, or it turned out to be a bad idea afterwards. But I wanted it because it was popular, or because I was convinced it would make me super happy. Thank god my mom stopped me a couple of times from making mistakes (although I still need to convince her to let me get a tattoo). But I've learned to think about things twice before actually going through with it. Although sometimes I still make mistakes, but I'm learning!
Appreciate things more.
The past few years I've started to appreciate things more, and stop taking everything for granted. I suppose that when you're younger you don't think about those things, but now that I'm getting older I do. For example, I've come to appreciate education more. Or the fact that I'm happy and healthy. But also small things like seeing the beautiful sunset in the evening.
It's okay not to know what you want.
I still don't exactly know what I want. Of course, I have more of an idea about what I want now than I did a few years ago, but I still don't know it all. And that's perfectly okay. If only I had known that sooner. I used to stress so much about these kind of things, but now I know that it will all come in time.
Don't grow up so fast.
I remember saying at 14-years-old that I was almost an adult. Thinking about that makes me laugh. It was naive, but a lot of teenagers say such things. I wish I could've enjoyed being a teenager a little more, without focusing so much on the future. I guess that's partially the school system's fault, though. Speaking of school, now that I'm doing an internship I've learned to appreciate the free time you have when you're in school.
I'm still young, I know that. But this feels like a new chapter, and honestly I'm excited to see what will happen. I have discovered so much about myself and I feel like I'm so much stronger than I was a couple of years ago. I might be reluctant to turn 20, but it's gonna happen. So I best make the most out of it.
Soo... it's been a while, hasn't it? I know, I know.. I told myself to post at least every week. But I have a good excuse! Aside from being lazy, that is.. But I've been quite busy with school, as it's the last (and most important) quartile of the year so it needs my attention. I've also been applying for internships, and I'm happy to tell you that I got hired by the company of my choice! I'm very excited to start my internship after the summer and I hope to learn a lot from it.
Another thing that I've been busy with is cosplay, as I want to become better at that. I actually went to Animecon, of which I will post a video hopefully next week!
I think those were my only excuses, so I hope that once school is over I get more time to post. For now I have an unboxing video for you to enjoy! I hope you'll have a nice day!
I'm a little late with posting this, but better late than never, eh?
For years I haven't really had any new years resolutions, simply because I knew I wouldn't actually do anything with it. But this year I realised that that mindset won't really get me anywhere, so I've decided to give it a try. So here it goes.
1. Live healthier
I'm a sugar addict. I mean, my cause of death would probably be a sugar overdose. And because I'm one of those lucky ducks who can eat almost anything without gaining weight, I eat a lot of unhealthy things. But in the past few months I did gain weight, and I wasn't very happy with it. I sulked and grumbled but didn't do anything about it., not really wanting a diet or anything. I still don't want a diet, but I realised that I should do something about my lifestyle if I wanted to see some change.
I don't exercise at all, as I hate sport. But I knew that just changing my eating pattern wouldn't do the trick. So I started thinking about what I do like, and I came to the conclusion that that is swimming. I used to be a competitive swimmer when I was younger, and I even won a few medals. I've always enjoyed swimming, so I've decided to go swimming twice a week. I've done it last week and I'm planning on getting up at 6am tomorrow just so I can swim. That's how serious I am about it right now.
I'm also counting my calories. I'm reducing the amount of sweet things I eat, but not entirely cutting them out. I also try to eat more fruit. So far I'm doing pretty well, and I hope I can keep it up.
2. Be more productive
I'm really lazy. Like. Really lazy. I procrastinate a lot, too. So I'm trying to be more productive and procrastinate less. Why do you think I've made three blog posts in a week time? Because of this new rule here. I'm trying to spend less time staring at my laptop in boredom and more time being useful.
3. Worry less
Now this is gonna be a hard one. If I have to choose one resolution that is doomed to fail it's this one. I worry about a lot of things, whether it's about an exam or if someone is secretly mad at me. I worry about so many things it's not healthy. But I'm gonna try to change that. I know I won't completely stop worrying, but I'm gonna try to work on the social front first. I'm gonna try to worry less about what other people think of me and try to stop explaining myself. I'm constantly explaining to people why I do certain things in fear of being disliked. But screw that. I don't need to explain myself.
4. Spend more time on my store
I have an etsy store called Curious Crescent, and I'm planning on putting more time and effort in it. My goal is to attend cons as a dealer and just get more business. I love owning a store and crafting things which I can sell, so I hope it'll become a success.
I think that was about it. There may be some more smaller things, but these four are the most important things. I'm not sure for how long I can keep them up, but I'm really gonna try my best.
But for today I've done enough, so I'm just gonna sit back and relax.
Have a nice evening <3
Tomorrow it'll be the last day of 2015 and I'm currently sitting here, wondering what the hell happened.
Time seems to go faster every year and I don't like it at all. I once read somewhere that this is because one year is a smaller fragment of your life as you age. For a 5-year-old one year is 1/5 of his life, while for me it's 1/19. I have no idea if this is true, but it wouldn't surprise me.
I'm trying to think of my highlights of 2015, and I must say that it has been a good year for me. I matured a lot and sort of got my life together? I think? I'm not sure. But it feels like I did.
Let's start with the very first highlight, which happened in March, Because in March I got my driver's licence.
I still have no idea how the hell I did it and why on earth anyone would let me go on the road on my own, but hey, I don't make that decision. I haven't driven as much as I thought I would, but that's mainly because I have to share the car with my dad and because I don't really go anywhere. Though one of my smaller highlights was when I drove to the other side of the country in May. Which was quite scary because I hadn't driven that far before yet. Hopefully I get to drive more, because I still don't fully trust myself. It really is a miracle that I haven't had an accident yet..
Okay, moving on the the next highlight, which was May 28, when I asked my crush to be my datefriend. Ze said yes, which is also a miracle. Ze lives in the UK and I live in the Netherlands, so it's not always easy. But together we make it work.
That brings me to my next highlight in August, when I went to visit hir. I was very nervous and excited and just thinking about makes me all khsadfshfjsha.
It was great and afterwards I realised I love hir even more, but I also missed hir more.
Also in August, like 3 days before I went to the UK, I moved out. I don't really have my own place though. It's because my university is an hour by train away from my home I decided that I should move out. I'd been travelling 2 hours a day to university for 2 years straight, and I was completely done with it. So I made a financial plan (sort of) and started looking for a room I could rent. I soon found a flat which I would have to share with 3 other people, but I was completely fine with that. I only visited once before deciding that I wanted the room. One thing led to another and now I've been living on my own (sort of) for 4 months. I really surprised myself with it, because I didn't think I would adapt so easily. But I love having my own place, and although I miss my parents I wouldn't want to go back. I visit them every other weekend, and that's more than enough.
At the end of August I opened up my own jewellery store (curiouscrescent.etsy.com), which, if I'm completely honest, I haven't done much about. But I already have plans to renew a lot of things and make it much better.
Let's see... In October and November I saw Fall Out Boy and Twenty One Pilots live, both for the second time. And on November 30 I turned 19.
I think the only other highlight was a week ago, when I went to see my datefriend again. We've been dating for 7 months now and it was so good to see hir again. I really missed hir and we had a lot of fun.
I don't know what 2016 will bring, but I'm really hoping to improve my store. Also I'm looking forward to starting my internship in September (I don't know where I'll be an intern, though). I just hope it'll be just as good, if not better than 2015. And I hope all of you who took the time to read this will have a great 2016 as well.
Not those who stopped reading halfway through. Screw those people.
Lots of love <3
No this is not about me giving you tips on how to be an adult. I need tips. Please. Help me.
In exactly 11 days (the 30th) I'll turn 19, and it makes me feel so old. Yeah I know I'm still young, but I don't feel like it. Honestly the last couple of years went to fast. In my mind it's still 2010. I can't believe I'll turn 20 next year. Twenty. At that age you're supposed to be an adult. Act like an adult. Doing adult things. I'm not ready for that. I'm not an adult yet.
I felt old when I turned 18 but now I feel even worse. I mean I've gotten used to my legal adult status, but I still don't feel like an adult. Also I should stop saying the word adult now.
I still don't have my life together. I don't know what I want, and at the same time I want too many things at the same time. I honestly have no clue what I'm doing with my life right now. I'm just doing what I think is right without having a goal in mind. You can probably tell from this blog. It's a mess. Just like my life.
I was lucky enough to go to the Twenty One Pilots concert last week, and when they played the song "Stressed Out" I was just screaming along.
I feel that song deep in my bones. It's like my theme song at the moment.
Haven't heard of it? Well you should. Here you go.
Actually I hate bees. So let's call myself a busy bunny. Way cuter.
Anyway, I really have been busy. Since my talent is to procrastinate (which is also probably my only talent) I had a lot of homework to catch up to. I work best when under pressure anyway, so it's all good. Tomorrow I have a presentation to do. Or well, all I have to do is stand there while my project partners talk, as I did most of the presentation. So we agreed that they would talk.
Next week I have two exams, and of course I haven't studied yet. I also have a concert next week. A Twenty One Pilots concert to be exact, so I'm pretty pumped!
I also quit my job as a mail man/person. Mostly because I hated it, as I don't like going outside. But also because I got another job. I'm now a mystery shopper. Basically this means that I get to shop for money, which is like heaven. Although my first task is to buy cigarettes to see if the store asks for my age. And since I don't smoke, it's pretty useless. Luckily I can send the cigarettes to my boss so I won't have to deal with those.
Other than that, I opened up yet another store. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, I used to own a clothing store, which went a little wrong. But now I've done my research and opened up a store again: Little Moon.
So far it's going well. I mean, I only have one sale yet but people react very positively on instagram, which means a lot to me.
I'll try to post more once I have more time, but for now you can enjoy this song